Tommy Whitty
Mrs Belden
Honors English 1
10 october 2014
Just a ball and a dream
Joe James was outside practicing his mid-range jumper at a near by park in Akron, Ohio. It was late at night and he was practicing for his basketball game tomorrow when he heard a loud noise coming from his house. He ran as fast as a jet over to his house to see what happened. He walks in the house and realized they just got robbed. Joe screams “MOM! WHERE ARE YOU!!!” he finds his mom pushed over in the corner with her hands tied to a door. He quickly races over to her and cuts her hands loose from the rope. They search the house to see what got taken, the house was broken. It was all beat up and everything was smashed. They see the robber took all there money they had stashed in the drawer, he took all of his moms jewelry, and smashed a bunch of pictures. Most importantly he smashed Joe’s dad’s picture who died in a car crash about a year ago. When he see’s that he breaks down crying thinking of his dad. He walks up to his bed still crying over everything that just happened  and cries his way to sleep. The next morning his mom wakes him up for his basketball game in the morning. Joe is the best player on his team and in the whole league, His team the cavaliers are in the semifinals against the bobcats. The game started and Joe has the ball, he is the starting point guard for his team. He is a great leader and is a very encouraging and positive person. Joe isn’t having his best game today, he already has 3 turnovers and it’s only halftime. He’s having trouble concentrating out there and only has 5 points. The second half is starting and it seems like Joe has calmed down. He scores the first 5 points of the half with a layup and a 3-pointer! The next drive he walks down the court with the ball pulls up and BANG! He hits another 3 and now he has 13 points. His team is up by 8 points going into the 4th quarter. It’s Bobcats ball and they get the ball and score, they keep on getting the ball and scoring. The cavaliers can’t do anything about it, the score is tied with 8 seconds left and it’s cavaliers ball, Joe was as fast as a cheetah when he ran down the court, he stops himself and shoots the ball... SWISH! He made it and his team wins the game! They are now in the championship tomorrow at 7:00 in the high school gym. This is the happiest Joe has been in a while, all of his teammates all tackled and jumped in the air with excitement that they just won the game and are now in the finals. The whole team went to greaters to get ice cream to celebrate the big win. One of Joe’s best friends Will on the teams asks him if he wants to hang out later at his house and of course he says yes. He goes home showers and then heads over to Will’s house on his bike. Joe loves going to his house, its so big and has a indoor pool and a basketball court outside. They usually shoot some hoops and talk about all the girls that they like at there school. Will says “come on Joe don’t be a Romeo around that girl you like anymore.”
- Joe’s mom calls him around 6:30 telling him he needs to ride home for dinner, she says she made tacos which is his favorite food. He was so hungry his stomach was screaming at him for some food. When he gets home his mom has big news. She tells him that they have to move into an apartment that’s 10 minutes away until they catch the robber and get all there stuff back. Joe eats dinner then he goes upstairs and packs his clothes into his bag. All night Joe dreams about how cool it would be if he hit another game winner in the championship. He wakes up the next morning moves into his apartment and sets all his clothes down. The new apartment is tiny, nothing like his old house. All the walls are painted white and are all dirty. He walks over to his friends house to get ready for the game. He shows up to the game about 30 minutes early with his dads necklace on hoping to give him encouragement and some luck. The game starts and they’re playing the spurs, the second best team in the league. Joe starts out the game hot, he already has 15 points at halftime. He drives to the basket and gets hit really hard and falls to the ground in pain, he can’t get up. He thinks he will be fine but they put him on the bench. The score is tied heading into the 4th quarter and Joe still isn’t in the game. Theres 4 minutes left when he finally re-enters the game. The teams go back and forth exchanging buckets. It seems as if no one can miss a shot until, the spurs best player throws up a 3 pointers to try to go ahead by 1 with 15 seconds left in the game. He misses and the Cavaliers get the rebound and call a timeout. There coach draws up a play for Joe to score the winning basket. He gets the ball, a player goes up to Joe sets a pick and he gets a lane right to the hoop, he throws up a nice floater… and it goes in!!!! They win the championship! After the game he says the shot felt like it was in the air for years. Joe gets home and his mom congratulates him and gives him a big nice hug. Also, she tells him that the police have found the robber and got all the money and everything back. Joe just sits there smiling and is the happiest kid in the world and can’t believe everything that just happened. He gets up and thanks his mom for everything she has done and gives her a big hug.
 
Hi Tommy! This story really caught my attention right off the bat and made want to keep reading. One thing I liked about it was that you chose a topic to write about that you have a bunch of knowledge on, making the story make more sense to the readers. Saying that, one thing I would go back and check again is punctuation and capitalization. You can infer Joe James is a phenomenal basketball player, but what else is he like? Can you add some more description to him and others? The outline of the story is pretty good and well organized. It is defiantly satisfying to readers and easy to follow especially if you like basketball:) I am very impressed.
ReplyDeleteNice Job! -Claire C.
Hey Tommy! Awesome story! I really liked the whole conflict of the story and the many problems that the main character had to overcome. It made the story more realistic and interesting. I also liked the detail that you had throughout the story, it created lots of great imagery. What do they get for winning the championship game? I think you could maybe describe more about who Joe is other than a great basketball player. Other than that, great job! -Elly S(:
ReplyDeleteHey Tommy! I really liked your story and think it had a very interesting plot line. One thing that I think you did well is capturing the readers attention in the very beginning with the robber and Joe's mom. Another thing I liked was how devoted and hard working Joe was at basketball. Two questions I have for you is how did Joe get an interest in basketball and how did the police find the robber? One suggestion I have for you is to use more imagery words by describe Joe and his mom physically. I know some of their personality traits but I don't know what they look like. Overall I really liked your story and think you did a great job writing it.
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